To Have Loved And Lost
by barefoot friar
Summary: Martin discourages Gonff's attempts to find him a wife. But Gonff can't understand... why would he not want to be loved? Post Mossflower. One-shot.


**Author's Notes**: Before you read this, please let me apologize in advance for my lack of skill in writing Gonff-speech. All that otter talk is hard... And uh, I guess I'm writing this instead of updating on of my in progress stories. So yeah, another story, another result of my short attentions span. Anyways, let the Martin angst begin... NOW.

**To Have Loved And Lost – A Tale of Redwall**

" I tell ya, matey, she's one of the prettiest things I've ever laid eyes on. 'Cept my Columbine, course. None prettier than her."

Martin ran a paw across his brow, squinting up at the sun in mild annoyance. " Good save, Gonff. Goodness, it's so hot today! I wish we could save quarry work for later in the afternoon." He shook his head, shoving the spade deeper into the dry soil. " At least we could find a quarry with less dirt atop it..."

Gonff had laid his shovel aside long ago, and now sat juggling small pieces of sandstone. " Anyways, she's charming too. Has a laugh like singing birds in the morning time." Letting the stones fall from his paws, he cast a sideways glance at Martin. There was barely a reaction from his friend. He tried not to sigh, instead grabbing the water canteen and taking a quick drink. " ...Oh, and did I mention how bright her eyes are?"

" Yes, I believe you did, when you first started talking about her." Martin smiled shortly, then turned back to his work. Gonff could tell that he was wholly concentrated on moving dirt, and not on thinking about pretty mousemaids. Grumbling under his breath, he picked up his shovel and balanced it carefully on one paw.

" Gonff, Martin!"

Gonff jumped up, losing his control over the shovel, which toppled and fell hard against Martin's back. The Warrior winced, glaring at the mousethief.

From the fringes of the forest, Columbine came running, another female mouse rushing along after her. Held in their paws were two woven baskets, both full of scones wrapped in cloth napkins, fruit, cheese, and a large flask of some drink. Gonff ignored Martin's scowl and ran up to his wife, embracing her long enough to steal a sneak into the baskets. Columbine handed him hers, smiling. " Bella thought you two would be so caught up in working, that you would completely forget to return for lunch."

" Perish the thought, my patron saint of good meals!" He perched himself up on a rock and began to tear the napkin off a scone.

Columbine chuckled at her gluttonous husband. " Well, perhaps she only meant Martin." She looked back to the mouse she had brought along, who was standing a few steps behind, looking down at the dirt. " Violet, Martin's over here."

Upon hearing the name, Gonff looked up from his lunch. It was her, the maid he had been speaking of! With a sly smile, he watched from the corner of his eye. Violet had been staring at the ground, at the forest, at the passing clouds... looking everywhere except at the Warrior. Now, she approached him, blushing. " Oh, um... here you are, Mr. Martin, sir."

Martin accepted the basket with a kind smile, casting a swift look towards his friend. " So you're Violet? I've heard about you."

Her face lit up at his words. " I've heard so much about you, too!" she exclaimed quickly.

Gonff couldn't stop from laughing shortly. " Catch your breath, Violet!" His laughter was cut off by a yelp as Columbine slapped his footpaw.

" It's okay." Martin looked back to the mousemaid, who was obviously embarrassed, her gaze turned back to the dry ground. " Thank you for lunch. I'll see you back at camp?"

Hearing this, she jumped slightly, even more flustered than before. " Oh, yes. You're welcome!"

They turned and hurried back towards the forest. Gonff watched them leave, a smile forming on his mouth. That had gone better then he could have ever imagined! _Martin will be wed in no time_, he mused, turning back to the quarry... then his smile instantly fled. Martin was shoveling. What nerve! He wasn't even watching her leave! With a sigh, Gonff jumped off the rock and marched over to Martin's side. If his friend was too busy to recognize the obvious attraction he had to Violet, then he needed slowed down. " So... what do you think?"

" I already said what I think. There's just too much dirt to shovel! We should start quarry work on the east side first... what?"

Gonff couldn't stop his jaw from dropping. He recovered, and placed a paw on his friend's shoulder. " About Violet. What do you think about Violet?"

" Oh. Well, she seems like a quiet, girl, but I bet she's a hard worker..."

" Her eyes!" Gonff spread his arms out. " Her silky fur! Her nice whiskers! _That_ is what I wanted you to say! Not something about her working skills!"

Martin blinked hard, returning his gaze to the ground. " I-I see..." He shook his head, dropping the shovel.

Gonff took a small step back. " I... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound so harsh, matey. It's just... I want you to-,"

" To fall in love, get married, have a family?"

It was the mousethief's turn to be surprised. " You- you knew what I was doing?"

Martin wiped his dusty paws off on his tunic. He gave Gonff a quick look. " Of course I knew."

" You don't understand." He forced his gaze to the ground, sitting back against the rock. " Columbine and I are so happy. And you... you don't have anyone. It's hard for us to see."

Martin cleared his throat, looking away. " I understand. I'm not... It's just... I can't do that."

" But everybeast at Brockhall would be so happy to see you in love. We all want you to -,"

" Everybeast?" He turned his head aside, leaving Gonff to wonder what emotion his face displayed. " They all... notice?" Gonff could only nod solemnly. Martin shook his head. " I see."

" Aren't you lonely?"

The sudden question seemed to take him by surprise. " Well... yes." With a shrug, he dropped the shovel and sat down beside his friend. " I am. But please, don't say I need a maiden."

" But -,"

" Just do something for me, please. This one thing. Don't ever try to find me a wife again."

Stunned, Gonff could only sit in silence. It simply didn't make any sense! Martin was kind, strong, and brave. He could have any maiden he set his eyes one! Gonff could think of at least five maidens whose hearts he had already stolen. How couldn't he want one of them? How could he _possibly_ be content with loneliness?

" Go back to camp, please. I'll finish work here."

Feeling compelled to obey by the cold tone in Martin's voice, Gonff stood and walked towards the woodlands. He looked back only once, a glance over his shoulder, quickly so that he wouldn't be caught. Martin was still sitting on the rock. From his viewpoint, there was no sign of sadness. No loneliness. No emotion.

00000

" An acorn for your thoughts, Mousethief."

Gonff jumped, his drink splashing inside his cup. " Oh, Abbess Germaine! Sorry, didn't see you there..."

With her sharp eyes fixed on his face, Germaine settled down across from him, on the opposite side of the fire that perched on the cracking logs like so many winged birds, all aflame. She tugged gently at the woven blanket around her shoulders, then reached to the kettle that nestled on the ground next to the blaze. " What's this?"

" It's tea."

She poured a cup full, sniffing it before taking a gentle sip. " Well well, Gonff. You show yet another hidden talent. This tea is wonderful!"

Gonff smiled warmly. " Columbine made it before she went to sleep."

" Ah, I see." The old mouse chuckled, leaning closer to the fire. She stared at the flames for a moment, then returned his smile. " And what brings you outside of Brockhall, on such a cold night? Surely you'd rather be sleeping."

" It's nothing."

" Strange, I haven't seen Martin around tonight, either."

" It's nothing... I suppose. I mean, I wouldn't know." He felt Germaine's eyes focusing on him. She knew he was lying – she was one of those mice that could just _tell_. Feeling a sigh begin, he took a deep drink of tea. _So what if she can tell? If she doesn't ask, I won't have to lie again..._

" Gonff, what is wrong?"

_Great_. " It's nothing, it's just... I don't know. It's Martin." He paused, but she remained silent. Feeling awkward under her gaze, he set the cup aside. " I'm worried about him. He hasn't been able to find a maiden to court, even though there's plenty of 'em around here... He's lonely – he told me that much. And after all the work I go through to try and make him realize that there's a life outside of working, he gets angry and sends me back to camp like a naughty Dibbun!" After his rant, Gonff could feel the indignation rising up in him. He had done so much for Martin this time! He had dropped so many hints for Violet! And Martin – his best matey - had the nerve to tell him he was wrong! And that was... wrong! He took a deep breath, feeling somewhat convinced that explaining things to the Abbess would make it all better. " What's worse is, he knew what I was trying. And he still refuses to see that everybeast thinks it's sad, that he can't get around to finding at mate!"

" I see."

" And even after telling me he's lonely, he – what? What d'you mean, you see?" The anger subsided quickly, and he leaned forward across the fire, eager to hear her out. " Do you have any idea what could be making him act like this?"

Germaine nodded, her eyes staring up at the sky, though Gonff doubted she was really looking. " There's an old saying, young one, that 'it's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all."

" W-what?"

She nodded, the faraway look on her face getting deeper. " Simply put, it's better to love somebeast, and lose them, then to not ever experience love."

Gonff sat back, stunned. " Ah But... I don't really see what it has to do with Martin."

" Just this," she murmured, lifting herself from her seat. " I've never believed that saying. Loving and losing is a hard thing. It can shut a creature's heart down, sometimes forever. The pain of knowing that you had everything, only to let it slip by, is too much for even the strongest beasts to take. I think it's better to be happy with friends, and never know love, then to regret what you never did, what you never said, for every day of all your long seasons."

She shuffled off into the night, leaving Gonff alone by the fire. Gradually the flames wilted and fell away. Gonff sat still, trying to wrap his head around all she had said. Finally he stood and stretched, whispering to himself quietly. " Better to have loved and lost? Huh..."

00000

The night was cold, but it only helped to clear Martin's head. He lay on a flatter stone, half-asleep, running a paw across the steel of his sword.

_Rose, we could have chopped the sycamore down with this!_

Turning on his back, he watched the stars glow, suppressing tears as he had done for so long. Those words still echoed in his head, ringing around his heart and leaving it bruised and aching. So long... too long, he mused. It was too long to still be holding onto the past. It hurt, but more than that, he was tired. _So why can't I bring myself to shed tears? Why shouldn't I just let them fall..._

" Great seasons, Rose. I'm just... I'm so sorry." He sniffed, closing his eyes, though he knew sleep wouldn't come. Not until he let go. But still, those words echoed, and he couldn't help but let the regret that had haunted him creep back in. It was regret that he had never told her, that he had let her die, that he had even tried to move on...

But more than that, it was those words. " I'm just so sorry... that those words... they were the last thing you ever heard..." Why not 'I love you'? Or 'I'm sorry'?

No, just a childish few words filled with joy at holding his father's sword again. They were the last thing she ever heard.

" I'm just... so sorry..."

00000

**Author's Notes:** So okay, I kinda stink at writing scenes with just two characters. Sorry Please review, yo.


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